On writing a spiritual autobiography

Last weekend I decided that I needed to write (actually, re-write) a spiritual autobiography. I say rewrite because I had to develop one for my application to the college seminary that I studied at for two years. A lot has happened during and since college, and I figured that it would be a good idea to reflect, do some reading of my journals and start from scratch.

Why am I doing this?

Clarity, illumination, and dare I say enlightenment? It's easier to know where you are going if you know where you have been, and that is my impetus for doing this. Despite my initial thoughts, I discovered that much like writing a paper on a historical, writing a paper about yourself requires research. So I delved into my journal entries, I read notes from friends, I perused emails, and looked into Word documents that I saved (I discovered dozens!). Each piece I discovered was a snapshot into my life at a particular point in time. They brought up many memories, both good and bad. It was so much like Dumbledore's Pensieve. I re-entered my memories as an observer, able to recall the moment, the emotion, but removed from it.

So far it has brought a lot of intriguing questions and observations to the surface. Some previously unanswered questions remain a mystery, but the organization of so many fragments of thought and emotion brings with it some sort of clarity and sense of order. It has given me a lot to think about and reflect on, I highly recommend it as an exercise to consider doing. If nothing else, what becomes apparent is the imperfect but beautiful path God has carved out for me. It has increased my awareness that whatever struggles or confusions I experience now are all part of the same beauty I saw in years past.

Relationship Marketing

I don't think it's a stretch of the imagination to say that my generation (20 somethings) is pretty public with personal information. Facebook is replete with information about our likes, interests, desires, relationship status, etc. It isn't a bad thing per se, but we've become so interested in marketing everything about ourselves, that some of us have developed a thirst for external affirmation. I might post a youtube video, and I love that I get so many "likes" for it. That means it's an awesome song right!?!?!? Of course it is...because I posted it. I post pictures of a vacation, and all kinds of people comment on how awesome they are, and I sit there smugly thinking "why yes, yes they are".

It's human to seek out approval, as social beings we desire it. But when that desire becomes a need that we subconsciously crave, that's not so good. From my own experience, I think I got that craving specifically in my last relationship. We had pictures taken of us, we posted about each other and we got a bajillion likes and all these comments of "Oh, you two look so cute!", "You look so happy!", blahblahblahblahblah. And I looked at those comments and thought "Yeah, we do look cute", or more importantly; "I am happy with her" (which I wasn't). I depended so much on positive affirmation that I ignored my real feelings.

This has made me pause and think about the nature of our relationships. I think that a lot of people want their relationships to work so badly that they post every picture of themselves together so they get that positive feedback. Perhaps it isn't bred out of a conscious sense of doubt, but rather a conscious desire for something to be. Again, it isn't a bad thing per se, but it certainly should not be the focus.

The positive feedback is very important. If "the people" approve, then it affirms what you know or desire in your heart. In trying to diagnose where I went wrong in my previous relationship, I think the strong personal focus on positive feedback was a capital error of mine. I got so caught up in the "relationship marketing" and completely lost sight of the journey in formation for the vocation of Marriage. 

As a young generation, let's try our best to avoid the "relationship marketing" for the sake of the "like" or "comment" and focus on what is true, good, and beautiful about our relationships. Focus on the person we are with: is he/she good for me? Am I happy? Those are the most important questions for us to ask ourselves. If we are happy, and if our significant other makes us want to be better versions of ourselves (saints), we are well on our way to attaining the will of God. It brings peace to me to know that I don't have to market my relationship for personal affirmation. It can be done out of a desire to share those posts and pictures with joy, and the "likes" don't matter so much anymore.

Office Life and God's Call

I work in an office. No, not one with stifling cubicles that make employees feel devastatingly small and isolated. My office environment is open, loud, boisterous, and very often I have to either dodge a stress ball whizzing by my face, or pick up one that came to rest at my feet and wing it back to the guy who threw a wild curve ball. My manager likes to sneak up behind me when I'm focused and shout "HEY!" right next to my face, causing me to spasm so violently that I nearly smash my head into the keyboard.

Then there is the gong.

Yes.

The gong.

It looks exactly like this.

I sit 10 feet away from a large, Imperial China style gong that gets BANGED whenever a salesman lands a new customer. Sometimes it happens early in the morning, which makes me nearly spill my (inevitably) nasty coffee. Or it will happen during the height of activity in the day, ALWAYS when I'm talking on the phone, which leads to a long explanation of why we have something so odd as a gong in our office.

On top of all of this, we consistently have happy hours after work in which I drink beer far faster than is prudent (if it weren't free, I wouldn't drink it so fast! See how I'M the victim here?). Considering the environment of most others who work in office space, I have it pretty darn good. Yet I've found that the environment that I work in only takes me so far in being happy with the job I have. In the three months that I have worked there, I already know that it isn't a long term fit for me. That says something to me about the nature of work and what God calls us to.

I work in what could be argued as one of the best environments of the corporate world (barring examples like Google, Linkedin, or Pinterest offices). Yet despite this, I don't like my job. It's draining, soulless, and just...blech. I've tried to find meaning in it, and I have found meaning to some degree. But that personal meaning isn't the bottom line for this company. What bothers me the most about this job is that its bottom line is....wait for it!

Two words: Cash. Flow.

That isn't any surprise right? But it seems even more true at my company. That's what most people working here seem to be all about. I hire for the sales role in this business, and my biggest selling point is the earning potential. We want money-hungry people. Our ideal candidate is a fresh college graduate, one who worked through college, played sports, and who has an insatiable appetite for a six-figure income. My job is to recruit an army of lil' hedonists!

Yay hedonists!!!!

That makes me feel sick to my stomach.

For some, their motivation for a 100K salary is good: they want a house, a family, a wife who can stay at home.

For others, their motivation is: uhhhh...I want beer money.

But I'm not supposed to care what their motivation is. I'm just supposed to get a hire. Because more hires equals more money for this company. And that's the bottom line.

God isn't calling us to a job where the end all-be all is money. Maybe that's why the sales role at this company has a big, FAT turnover rate. God calls us to work that we can find personally meaningful while making enough to live comfortably. Even in my non-sales role, money is king. So therefore I feel very much like a slave here, even though I get free beer at least twice a month.

So I pray and hurt for those people who don't care where they work so long as they are making a lot of money. I've talked to hundreds of them, and they don't sound very happy. I feel like there is so much more to life than that. God offers something much better, we just have to find where it is for us. Oh! And if anyone has suggestions for non-corporate-oh-my-gosh-my-life-is-all-about-makin'-monayyyyy jobs, let me know!

Infinite Mercy, Part II: St. Therese, the Plumber, and Perspective

I am writing this post on my living room couch, in the middle of the day, as the plumbers I called this morning make a repair in my basement.

I should be freaking out, but I'm not... because God is merciful!

Generosity: The Antidote to Independence

"America: the land of the free and the home of the brave."

Independence is something we celebrate, and rightly so.  Our freedom is given by God, recognized by man -- and the continuation of that recognition is key. But I think that sometimes -- for me, at least -- too much value is placed on independence in the wrong circumstances. Lately, the difference between independence and freedom has become increasingly clear to me.

Growing up, I always saw independence as something to strive for, something to earn that meant I had finally "made it." I longed for the day when I wouldn't need to have someone to drive me, or sign permission forms, or provide for my every need. Later, I longed for the independence of having my own classroom, without a professor popping in to check on me. Then, after spending two years living with my family, but working full-time, I longed for true independence: my own home.

At the end of the summer, I purchased my first home. The first week of August, I moved in; school began the second week. In the meantime, a close friend accepted a job nearby and also moved into my spare room. It was a whirlwind to say the least... and I could not have done it on my own.

I find it beautifully ironic that my first month of "independence" has been the biggest testament to the fact that I am created to be dependent on others... and on Another. In my stubbornness, I tried to be independent. But I have been struck by the generosity of others. For example:


- Two friends surprised me when they showed up at my house after an evening of bowling to help me move -- at 11:30pm on a Monday! (One was also preparing to depart for her study abroad, which made her sacrifice even more beautiful.)

- Two friends gave up their Saturday morning to switch out an old washer and dryer for newer appliances. They came at 8am, disassembled the banister, removed the door, switched the appliances (carrying them up the stairs by hand), hooked everything up, and reassembled the railing with some minor repairs to make it more stable... all in just about an hour. Payment? A glass of water and a promise of a return favor sometime.

- I came home from running some errands one Saturday to find my neighbor mowing my lawn... weed-eater and everything. "Hi, I'm Tim... figured you didn't have a mower yet. Welcome to the neighborhood."

- An elderly gentleman down the street came to the door to ask if I went to church and to invite me to the Baptist church down the block where his son preaches. His wife has Alzheimer's, and his daughter came to stay with her while he went out to visit -- and he took that time to come to meet me and evangelize!

- I needed some help with a particular struggle and asked my pastor if he had any time "in the next week or so" ...and he made time the next morning, on his "day off," when he was leaving on vacation the next day.


These are just a few of the many experiences recently that have given me a much-needed reminder that I do not make myself. If I am here, it is because there is Someone else making me. If I do something, it is because of Another who gives me the opportunity. I so frequently get caught up in "chasing the dream" that I lose sight of Him who gives me my desire and the means to pursue. I am so grateful for these reminders and all the people who have been given to me to help me on this journey... because, really, I need their help.

May we all discover the freedom that comes with being wholly dependent on Him who gives us every moment of every day!