There's a line in today's Gospel that really hit me tonight. Jesus has just fed the five thousand, and they're looking for him again the next day because they are hungry. I have two basic interpretations, and I easily find myself in both.
First, the physical hunger: the people don't understand the significance of what has just happened... they just think, "Hey, this guy fed us all yesterday, and now we're hungry again... where did he go, let's find him so we can eat!"
Then, there is the spiritual hunger: "I don't know what it is about this man, but he has satisfied a hunger I did not know I had before I met him. Now, I'm hungry for more - I must find him!"
Obviously, I'd like to say I fit into the second category more frequently, but if I am truly honest... probably not. I think I fall somewhere in between these two, a combination of the two. "I don't know how, and I don't know why, and I can't explain it... but this is what I need. This is what satisfies my hunger - Christ."
Last week, I had a horribly stressful day. By 8:30am, I was nearly in tears; by lunch, my mental to-do list was growing so quickly that I couldn't write everything down; by 3:30pm, I had all but shut down with frustration; at 4:30 I received a proposal that I knew would require more mental and spiritual energy than I could possibly muster. I was exhausted in every way. I had a huge list of things that needed done, a very limited number of hours in which to do them, and only a hint of something resembling a desk under the overflowing mountain of books and paperwork surrounding my computer. My mind told me to sit and be productive, but I could not. My heart - no, my entire self - longed for something else, for the only One who could bring any sense to my crazy, stressful, too-much-to-handle day.
The church was only a few hundred yards from my desk, and I knew nothing else would satisfy the hunger in my heart. So I walked away from my overflowing desk (okay, I rummaged through the clutter for my calendar, phone, and other necessities, threw them in my bag, slung it over my shoulder, and defiantly left the remaining mess for later) and headed to the church for Adoration. And I begged, and pleaded, and cried out for something - anything - because I was so hungry, and yet I had no idea what I needed. I just needed Him.
My prayer wasn't dignified, it wasn't "holy" in the typical, picture-of-a-saint-on-a-holy-card way, but it was the most honest and humble moment I've had in a while... and in its own messy way, it was beautiful. Answers to my problems? No - at least not right away. Comfort in knowing that everything I need is right here in my hand? Yes!
"I don't know how He does it. I don't know how He can feed us all. But I'm hungry, and I'm going to find Him, because His food is the only thing I've found that can satisfy."
Thanks, Anna - I have been there myself recently. And not so recently, too.
ReplyDeleteIf I may ask, how do you think we can help keep ourselves focused and open to needing and giving over without doing it so often that we begin to neglect holy duties like working? It doesn't sound like you pushed off your work here - rather, that you listened to His voice. However, how do we make sure that prayer doesn't become a crutch for neglecting studies or work or other good disciplines?
I'm not really requesting an answer; we had talked about this a lot in a class here in Rome, and I wanted to throw it out there.
Thanks, again, for sharing!
I think it is about embracing the little 15-second prayers throughout the day - "Lord, help me to find you in this circumstance" - and then consciously being open to what is given. (Much easier said then done, but it is holy work!)
ReplyDeleteSometimes (like the day I describe above) everything must be dropped to follow where He leads. But we must also learn to follow Him THROUGH our work, not in spite of it.
Is that what you mean?
I think you're right: "Faith without works is dead" (James 2:17) and "I give you a new commandment: love one another. As I have loved you, so you also should love one another. This is how all will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another" (Jn 13:34-35). We can only manifest our inward disposition by living it outwardly. And, taking a moment here and there to offer up a prayer, open up your heart, seems like a good way to start.
ReplyDeleteAgain, thanks for sharing.
i think it's about embracing those little 15-second prayers throughout the day -- "Lord, help me to find You in this circumstance!" -- then having the openness to look at the reality of the gift that has been given... even when it does not seem like a gift. Easier said than done, but it is the goal.
ReplyDeleteSometimes (like the day I described) everything must be dropped to go and follow. But we are also called to follow Him THROUGH our work, not in spite of it.
Does that sound like the answer to your question?
Thanks for reposting, after it seems like it was deleted.
ReplyDeleteI think you are right on. We are called to work, right? "So also faith of itself, if it does not have works, is dead," (James 2:17) and "God blessed them, saying: 'Be fertile and multiply; fill the earth and subdue it. Have dominion over the fish of the sea, the birds of the air, and all the living things that move on the earth.' (Gen 1:28). God calls each person to find Him. Finding requires effort. And, when we seek him through the unique ways He calls us, we follow our vocation.
Little 15-second prayers throughout the day help us remember what we are seeking and open us to listen to how to find Him.
That's an interesting point, Tyler. I guess I've never thought of those passages in that context. Usually, when I hear "Faith without works is dead," I think of works of mercy, kindness, etc. - doing things for others in the name of Christ. Oddly, I've never thought of it in the context of my job. I've never connected that command from Genesis to work, either. Thanks for the connection!
ReplyDeleteIt's interesting... since beginning this discussion, I've consciously been using that specific wording when I find myself in unpleasant circumstances. With this reminder to search (and the grace of God!), my eyes have been opened multiple times to the beauty of the moment instead of the negative. Praise for another way this blog is helping me to follow!