A Simple Gaze

Lately, in my group of friends in Communion and Liberation, the topic of the “gaze of Christ” has come up multiple times.  How can I see Christ gently looking at me in my daily life?  How does He continue to call me and to gently lead me through my daily experiences?

This question has become increasingly important to me in recent days.  After three extremely busy weeks, I have moved back to Evansville, IN, and taken a teaching job at a wonderful elementary school with a beautiful parish.  It has been very overwhelming and rushed, with many things to do to prepare for the school year (which started a week and a half ago), as well as to move to a new city and a new home, unpacking boxes and getting settled.  It has become very easy for me to get caught up in the busyness and the day-to-day of the working world.  But thankfully, I have friends to remind me that it is in the everyday, in the simple gestures of this life, that we can truly see Christ calling us.

Throughout this time, I have had so many gentle reminders of His presence with me.  Even when I forget at times to turn to Him and thank Him for the gift of this job, the gift of a friend to live with, the gift of a beautiful house to share with her, there are little reminders to help me to stay on track.  I wanted to share just a few of the many little gestures, the times that I have recognized the gaze of Christ upon me:

*When two friends came over late at night to help my roommate to move her large furniture into the house (even after they had had a busy day themselves)

*So many teachers have popped in to my room just to see how I am doing and to see if I need anything

*A friend gave my roommate and I an amazing supply of leftovers so that we could feed guests at our house.  (He even brought a knife over later to cut a watermelon for us!)  From his perspective, he probably just wanted to get rid of those leftovers!  But for me, it was such a simple gesture of charity, that true love of Christ that offers anything that He has for another.

*A 5^th grade student in religion class, answering the question “In 3 sentences, can you tell me who Jesus is to you?” reminded me of the simple truth of my faith.  Her answer:  “Jesus is the good inside of everyone.  Some people just forget about it when they are mean.  I believe that everyone has the same amount of Jesus in them.  They just forget to show it.” 

As St. Therese of Lisieux said, we need to do small things with great love.  Thank you to those who have reminded me, even in this busy time of my life, that Christ is walking beside me, that His gaze is upon me, that I am not alone, and that every thing that I do is for Him. 

Importance of Meaning

As I was sitting at work last night, I was struck by a sudden sense of uneasiness. Okay, I’ll confess, I have had this uneasiness for a while now. Sort of like being stuck in a fog, when I am at work, I go from task to task during my busy shift, very mindlessly, feeling very uneasy about the job. But tonight I was struck with the thought of, “What meaning does this have? What is the point of being here, in this moment, right now?”

I will confess that I haven’t really thought that much about the purpose of my job. I work in a corn processing plant as a lab analyst, analyzing the product as it goes through the process of being turned from regular, hard, Indiana-grown corn into various products, including alcohol, maltodextrin, starch, feeds, and other products. I get so caught up in the everyday testing, the monotony of testing things at the same time every day, over and over and over and over. This question— what meaning does this have?—caught me by surprise.

So I stood there, next to one of the many instruments that we use to do our work, just thinking. And then it hit me—these products we are making, so many of them for human consumption, usage in gasoline, feed for animals—they have to be a good quality. They need to be not just within the processing limits set by our customers, but they also need to be safe, quality, products that I would be proud to say I helped produce. I turned to my coworker and asked her, “Have you ever thought of what the purpose is of this?”, and thus ensued a very nice conversation about how we have to know the purpose of what we do if we ever want it to have meaning for us, and how if it doesn’t have meaning, then why would we even come to work each day.

After that conversation, the rest of my night was so different. It wasn’t just the monotony of work. I approached each test as something important I needed to accomplish. Samples and testing that I normally would have been annoyed by were suddenly not so bad after all. A coworker calling in sick, causing me to have to work an hour over when I was supposed to go home, was suddenly not so bad. Because I knew the meaning of why I was working a 12 hour shift, it suddenly meant so much more. And with that came a desire for more… a desire for my work to mean more. I was different. I was changed.

I think that this should be true in all that we do. If we truly open ourselves up to understand the purpose of what we are doing, the deeper meaning behind our work, our friendships, our circumstances, our time with family, then maybe we will allow ourselves to approach each circumstance and event differently—to be changed! Does that mean that we will suddenly understand the meaning of our existence, of God, and of life in general? Probably not right away, but it will bring us so much more openness to the greatness of life and a gratitude for each circumstance as a gift from God—the presence of Christ among us.

Let go of the rock!

After Mass this morning, as I returned to my bedroom to change into some more comfortable clothes for my day, I just happened to glance out of the window. In stark contrast to the blanket of white that covered everything that I saw initially, what really caught my eye was a very beautiful squirrel that was "hanging out" on a tree right outside my window. I dropped what I was doing to watch him, and I saw him jumping from branch to branch, from tree to tree, until he was able to simply climb down to the ground and go on his way. I was very struck by this scene, a gentle reminder of something that has really been gnawing at me lately.

This week happens to be National Vocations Awareness Week, and as I have been rather half-heartedly discerning a religious vocation for a while, it has struck me that this year my birthday has also fallen during this week. I know that in my own life, I have reached a point of definite restlessness as to where God is leading me in my life. I have gone through a major career change, moving home with my parents, during this year, and it has brought along with it a desire to move forward in discernment, as well as a fear of taking steps in that direction. I know that taking steps to discern with a particular community (I have one in mind that I have visited multiple times) will allow me to truly discern if that is where my life's peace will come, and yet fear takes over, leading to selfishness and walking in the opposite direction.

So, why did the squirrel bring this all back into my mind? My friends in Communion and Liberation (CL) were talking a few weeks ago about a reading in our current book, The Religious Sense, by Fr. Luigi Giussani, in a place where he speaks of a rock climbing trip he took, where he became so overcome with fear that he would not let go of a rock, literally! He held on, even though all those with him even offered to carry him the rest of the way. But he let fear take hold. The evening of CL when we discussed this, we continued to say, "Let go of the rock!" and how that applies to our life. It was also pointed out that if we don't let go of the rock, how can God give us all that He wishes to give? In other words, if my hands are grasping something, how can they be open to receive gifts?

That squirrel in my yard, jumping freely from branch to branch, didn't doubt what was on that next branch. It didn't doubt whether or not it could make the jump, whether it had the strength. It just jumped, trusting that everything would work out for the best. That is a reminder for me to let go of my rock, to trust in God's providence for my life, and to be open to what comes next, not holding on to what is in the past or what I have right now. I have already learned, from my own present experiences, that holding onto the rock will honestly lead to selfishness, a lack of excitement for life, and a lot more doubts!

So, needless to say, yet another reminder of God's grace in my life! Hopefully the grace to open my heart more to Him and to His love. And God-willing, hopefully the grace that when I get back from the Pilgrimage for Life next week, I can once again take the plunge to visit this religious community, this time with an open heart and not my own self-control and fear. Any prayers would be appreciated, and I hope that you also can let go of whatever rocks you are holding on to!


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The story paraphrased in this post can be found on p.129 of The Religious Sense by Fr. Luigi Giussani.

Look at the Moon!

Almost two weeks ago, I had a great opportunity to go on a cruise with a group of friends. Now, normally I would never think of doing something like that. I was very blessed to have the opportunity, the income, and the vacation days at work, so off I went to the Caribbean. Amidst a ship filled with some pretty amazing things to do (mostly distractions), I found myself going, going, going all day long. From laying out on the deck of the ship, to playing cards with friends, to having a drink in the bar while playing some afternoon trivia, there was always something to occupy my time.

One evening on the ship, however, I was given a reminder of the simplicity of God and the grandness of His love. After dinner, my friends and I went to a bar to listen to a piano player sing and play. After listening to some songs that were just disappointing to me, such as his rendition of Lady GaGa's "Poker Face", my last straw was his ability to sing a song by U2 with no intensity or excitement whatsoever. After a friend got up to leave, I had to follow. I just could not take it anymore.

So we went out on deck. And I was struck by something so simple. The moon was so bright and big. The sky was so clear that hundreds of stars were visible. The water was beautiful with the reflecting light of the moon. I just stood there, staring. About fifteen minutes later, I was still standing there, staring, staring, staring...

And I felt so small. As I looked around at all of the water around me, on this huge ship, with all of life's comforts, I suddenly felt so small, and so insignificant. And I started to think about one of the Psalms that I had recently read.

LORD, what is man that you take notice of him;
the son of man, that you think of him?
Man is but a breath, his days are like a passing shadow.
Psalm 144:3-4

Who am I that this moment should be given to me? Who am I that I should have all of these gifts that God has given? For me, this moment was a reminder of gratitude. In fact, the rest of my cruise experience was about gratitude--for each moment, for each encounter, and for God's grace in my life.

A friend who shared this experience with me on the deck also gave me a different perspective. Even in our smallness, our existence as "merely a breath", a "passing shadow", eventually everything that I saw on that night in the Caribbean will pass away, but what will remain? My heart, my desire, my spirit within me-- that will live on forever!

Thank you, Lord, for the gifts that you have given! During this Christmas season, let's all keep gratitude at the forefront. Thank you, Jesus, for stooping down to earth in meekness and humility to save us!

Am I a Searcher?

Yesterday was the feast day of St. Andrew, one of Jesus' first two Apostles (along with John). I have to admit to you that Andrew is probably my favorite saint. I hear about him so often during my weekly meetings with my friends of Communion and Liberation. Many times I have heard the Gospel reading from John.

The next day John was there again with two of his disciples, and as he watched Jesus walk by, he said, “Behold, the Lamb of God.” The two disciples heard what he said and followed Jesus. Jesus turned and saw them following him and said to them, “What are you looking for?” They said to him, “Rabbi” (which translated means Teacher), “where are you staying?” He said to them, “Come, and you will see.” So they went and saw where he was staying, and they stayed with him that day. It was about four in the afternoon. Andrew, the brother of Simon Peter, was one of the two who heard John and followed Jesus. He first found his own brother Simon and told him, “We have found the Messiah” (which is translated Anointed).

1 John 36-41

As I was sitting in a Communion service yesterday, I began to think about Andrew. What would have possessed him to follow this man? He probably was married and had a family. He was a hard-working man, one would assume. He had an established life. But I think that he was probably looking for something more. He was seeking something. And because he was looking for something, something for his happiness, the meaning of life, something more, he was able to recognize Jesus. So he was able to run to his brother Simon and with confidence say, "We have found the Messiah."

Luigi Giussani, founder of the Communion and Liberation movement, wrote:

But imagine those two who stay there listening to Him for hours and then they have to go home. He says goodbye to them and they go their way silently, silent because full of the impression they have received of the felt mystery, about which they had had a feeling beforehand and then they had actually felt... And Andrew goes into his house and puts his cloak down, and his wife says: “Andrew, what’s wrong with you? You’re different, what happened?” Imagine that he burst into tears in her arms, and that she, upset by all this, continued to ask him: “But what’s wrong?” And he holding his wife, who had never felt herself held that way before: he was a different person. He was a different person! He was the same, but he was different. If anyone had asked him: “Who are you?” he would have said: “I understand that I have become someone else... after hearing that person, that man, I have become another person.”

Quotation is from "Recognizing Christ", a transcription of a meditation by Fr Luigi Giussani during the Spiritual Exercises of the Communion and Liberation university students in December 1994

Are we seekers? Are we looking for something more, or are we simply going through the motions of life, being swept up by the tide of day to day life. Jesus is calling us to an openness, to seek Him each day, to look for the ways He is revealing Himself to us. I can honestly say that recently, I have not been seeking Him as I should. Sometimes it becomes difficult in the day to day to continue to be open to looking, to searching. But that's what Andrew was about. We don't know much about him, but from what I do know, I can tell that Andrew was so open, that he was looking for Christ, and so he found Him!!!

St. Andrew, help me to become a different person through meeting Christ. Help me to be a seeker. Help me to be searching--to be looking for that something more that only Christ can fulfill in my life.

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Are You Thirsty?

I am not quite sure why, but lately I have been extremely thirsty! Maybe it is because I don't drink enough water at work. Maybe it is because, since the weather is so beautiful, I have been walking more at the local park. But regardless of why, I woke up this afternoon from a 15-minute cat nap, extremely thirsty. I drank a bit of water, got into my car, and headed to the park for a quick walk, a rosary, and an afternoon of reading.

A Beautiful Weekend

So this weekend was a fairly crazy weekend. Having a full-time job, where I work 12 hour shifts fairly consistently, whenever I have days off, it seems to become very over-booked. This weekend, for example, consisted of volunteering at the Washington Catholic Schools bingo, where I had gone to high school, on Friday. On Saturday, I was able to share with my group of friends in walking the Buddy Walk for Smile on Down Syndrome. My siblings and I were able to lead the liturgy as musicians for the evening Mass, followed by a beautiful fire and weenie roast with my dad's extended family. Today (Sunday) consisted of waking up fairly early [since I was up late for the weenie roast] to help coordinate a picnic follow-up event for the Teens Encounter Christ movement.

Little Reminders

Last night, I was working a night shift in my job as a lab analyst. It can be a pretty solitary job, with a lot of time by myself, especially on night shift (with only one other person in the lab). We always listen to SIRIUS radio while we work, and as I was setting up some samples, I heard the song “Boulevard of Broken Dreams” by Green Day. Something struck me about what they were saying.